Rather than perfectly manicured peeks into people’s best lives, some Instagram pages resemble shrines dedicated to celebrity loves. At this time, we’re not going to make any conclusions. If every other photo you share is of a famous person you can’t stop thinking about, we think these captions will be perfect for you. I realize you have no idea who I am and are unlikely to find out, but may I speak with you? Because we’ve never spoken, I’ve been unable to take my mind off you, or at least the idea of you, for the past few months. You haven’t seen my face, but I’ve seen yours all over social media; perhaps those photographs are there by chance, but I’ll be honest and say you’re the only one I look for.
Despite the fact that you’ve never heard my voice or had an actual conversation with me, I know from your interviews that you like your coffee black, that you play the kazoo, that your first hamster was named Hamster (a very creative name), and that despite being recognized by everyone, you still enjoy a stroll down the street. My parents already have a love-hate relationship with you, despite the fact that you’ve never met them. They can’t stand it when their daughter screams for concert tickets and sobs excessively whenever one of your songs comes on the radio, but they adore you because they know you make me happy, and they actively encourage me to pursue you. Who do you think gave you the record and who do you think provided it to me? I can’t mention your name to my friends because they’ll roll their eyes and complain that you’re the only thing on my mind, saying things like “we already know he’s hosting the MET Gala, you’ve told us more than six times,” and other such things. I’m sorry, but I’m not in a position to stop. I’m a self-driven individual who takes joy in the achievements of others I like. I realize I’m just a teen infatuated with your image; I realize this won’t last a lifetime, that having such sentiments for someone you’ve never seen or had a shot with is ludicrous, and that this isn’t “true love” or whatever that term means, but for what it’s worth, I appreciate my infatuation with you. It gives my life purpose, but I despise saying it because it’s a one-way street; you’ll never love me as much as I “love” you.